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Absolute Healing Blog

Strength of Will

Posted in Clare's story on 03/02/2016

Strength of Will

Willing it not to be so


When my ex told me he felt nothing for me any more I believed I could make anything happen if I put enough effort in to it. I reasoned with myself that he couldn’t possibly really mean what he said, he was just ill, or tired, or confused and if I talked with him enough I could connect with him in the way we used to and he would wake up and realise he had made an awful mistake. 

So for the next forever long I worked on it. I called him, wrote to him, invited him to walk with me, asked him to help with the kids or the house. I got him to install an extractor fan, pick me up from hospital when my foot was in plaster, go with me to have my dog put down. I used any and every opportunity to drag him back into my life.

Such is the nature of Will. It is single minded, blinkered, and deaf to all it does not want to hear. It has great power and can lead us with unshakable courage into battles with impossible odds. It is merciless, it crushes or bats aside all in its path and it has Herculean strength and persistence, it does not know the word defeat. I believed it to be my saviour and I allowed it to take charge so it could make everything right and put things back how they were. And so I barged on, for years.

Writing this I am clear that it is not helpful to berate myself for this. I simply could not countenance seeing what I was doing and experiencing the huge, crushing pain of acknowledging the blatantly, blaringly obvious truth that my ex did not want to engage with me. At all. I see now that it was part of my healing process, but I also see that it kept us both stuck in torment and prevented either us from even beginning the healing process.

While the will is in charge we cannot hear our ‘still small voice of calm’. We cannot listen to the soft, truth of our inner wisdom that gently reveals to us a broader perspective and gives us the understanding and compassion to let go and allow life to flow. We cannot relax into an acceptance of what is and choose a path that will support us and give others space to do the same.

It over-rides the solid strength that comes from that deep knowing that you are doing what is truly right for you and replaces it with a brittle, shrill stubborn-ness that really serves no-one well.

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