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Cutting the cost of divorce

Posted in Divorce and Separation on 27/11/2013

Cutting the cost of divorce

Cut the cost of divorce

If you are considering divorce or separation it is likely that you will look at how much it will cost you financially and that you will get advice to ensure that you keep the expense to a minimum. I would encourage you to give equal consideration to the emotional cost of divorce and be willing to bring in professional help to reduce the pain that you cause each other, your children, other family members and friends when you split up.

Couples are usually well aware that when they divorce or separate it will affect their children and other family members such as their parents and they will take determined and sincere steps to minimise their pain. They have the best intentions but unfortunately rarely have enough spare capacity when they are undergoing what is often a personal life crisis to adequately take care of others. Because of this they may inadvertently cause more pain to those around them than they mean to.

Much of the pain that separating or divorcing couples cause their children is done unconsciously. Children have an emotional radar, they pick up on our feelings, even unspoken ones. They will sense if your heart feels torn in two because you are allowing them go on holiday with your ex and new partner; or if you are resenting the other parent for apparently being awkward, or if you are terrified of how you will cope alone. And sometimes, because you want to protect your children from your pain you try and hide it from them and, guess what, the children pick up on this too! They learn that this is something that must not be talked about and so they tend to feel that they must not share their own feelings on the subject with you.

Perhaps then the most important first step when considering divorce or separation is to have the right emotional support in place. It is very difficult to cope with the emotional challenges of a divorce or separation alone. It can be a great help if each of you has a confidante you can talk to. Someone who does not have their own agenda, who can help you to come to terms with your pain and listen and give honest and constructive feedback, who can point out when the children are being inadvertently involved in something that is not their business, who can suggest ways to reassure Grandparents and close friends who are worried about the changes ahead.

Such a friend is a rare thing. More often those that are close to the family will be affected by events or will find it difficult to give frank feedback. In turn, you may hold back from unburdening yourself completely as you feel you are being nuisance or showing yourself to be weak. It may be easier to use a Dovetail divorce coach or another professional who can listen, give feedback, teach you methods to manage emotions and to support others and help you to construct lasting, healthy relationships that will continue after the separation.

To find professional support please go to and you will be put in touch with someone near you.